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Last week, as many of you know, I attended Camp Scripps, a camp run by and for alums of Scripps College, a liberal arts college for women in Claremont, California. Sister alumnae reunited for four days of workshops, camaraderie, connection, and fun. Workshops included tiara-making, creative writing, belly dancing, flamenco, yoga, art journaling, T’ai Chi, water aerobics, needlepoint, meditation, flower arranging, basket weaving, soul collage, soap making, art jam, Nia, poetry, and more. There were also botanical garden and photography walks, lectures, and a panel on how to get your book published.
Last week in class, Amy, one of my writing students, said to a classmate, “Each day we have a choice: we can live with faith or we can live with fear. Though she didn’t know it, this was exactly what I needed to hear. I’d been having a rough couple of days, triggered by not having received recognition I felt I deserved. This set off an internal pity party hosted by my gremlins, who ransacked my guts and had me silently spewing self-doubt venom. I felt miserable, but wasn’t sure why. All I knew was that I was in “The Snarky Place” and couldn’t get out—until I heard Amy’s comment. Thank God for my classes—and my students, who teach me as much as I teach them.
Years ago, while traveling in Greece, I picked up a pair of worry beads (Komboli). It didn’t take long to incorporate these beads into my daily meditation practice. But I renamed my worry beads gratitude beads.
First thing every morning, as I slide each bead, I say something in my life I’m grateful for: my health, the health of my family, my husband, my daughter, our home, my mother, my sisters, their families, my friends, my students, my clients, my guides—both physical and spiritual—my enthusiasm, my love of learning, my computer, my car, my writing practice, my connection to God, my life itself, and so on. I try to stay in the moment and think of new things I’m grateful for each day. Yesterday in church, the Reverend said, “To a grateful heart, much is given. The Universe sees you as a satisfied customer and gives you more.” Then he asked, “Can you allow what’s good in you to change you?” I realized this is what I try to do each day with my gratitude beads. Thinking about the ways in which I feel blessed focuses me on what’s going well in my life. The more I do this, the better things get. Lately I’ve been looking for ways to give myself treats. Since my Greek gratitude beads are plastic, I thought it might be nice to make a pair out of a gemstone, such as rose quartz or amethyst. Purple is my favorite color. It is the color of the crown chakra, which symbolizes our connection to the divine. Amethysts are associated with nobility, spiritual awareness, meditation, balance, psychic abilities, inner peace, healing, stress relief, and positive transformation. But rose quartz’s properties enhance all forms of love, self-care, kindness, nurturing, and tenderness. I went to my local bead shop and held strings of rose quartz and amethyst stones in my hands: they both felt wonderful, but I selected the amethysts, and with the help of the women who worked there, created a new set of gratitude beads. Modern Greek worry beads contain 19-23 beads. My plastic set contains 21. But I decided to make my new set with 22 beads. In Soul Lessons and Soul Purpose, Sonia Choquette sites several reasons why the number 22 is auspicious: In numerology, the study of the mathematical order of the Universe, 22 is a sacred number that reflects how the physical world is manifested; in western Kabbalah, this number is considered the foundation of all things; the first 22 numbers symbolize the cosmic principles; the Hebrew alphabet is composed of 22 letters, each corresponding to a number that represents spiritual law; there are 22 archetypes in the Major Arcana of the Tarot; and in many spiritual traditions, the number 22 is an important and sacred number. But for me, the clincher was that my daughter was born on 2/22. The day I made my amethyst gratitude beads I visited a psychic for the first time in years, as part of my treat quest. When I showed her my beads, she said, “These are great, but you need another pair—in pink.” The rose quartz beads I’d been holding earlier flashed in my mind. “How come?” I asked. “You’re aura is radiating pink. There’s all this loving energy around you.” Great, I’ll take that, I thought, thrilled for an excuse to return to the bead shop for the rose quartz I’d left behind. The bit of guilt I experienced over acquiring not one but two new sets of gratitude beads vanished when I held the completed rose quartz creation. This second set was more radiant than the first; when I held it in my hands I felt serene and happy. I keep the rose quartz beads on my main home altar, the amethyst beads in my purse, and the original plastic set in my office, and I am grateful for them all. While preparing to write this post I found a website that explains the history and use of worry and prayer beads, including Muslim worry beads (Tespih); Buddhist worry beads (Malas); and Christian rosaries. The site includes information about gemstone properties, and offers exquisite beads for sale. I’m eyeing several pair, but am holding off for now. I want to make sure my desire to express is greater than my desire to possess. If beads aren’t your thing, you can use your fingers to count your blessings, or keep a gratitude journal, or just remind yourself daily how lucky you are to be alive. The simple act of expressing gratitude never fails to uplift me. Try it. Take five minutes. What are you grateful for? I wrote this in response to a client’s question, “How do I practice self-love?”
12 Ways to Practice Self-Love
Recently, in a phone conversation with a friend, I confessed to being anxious and impatient while agents read my book proposal. My friend said, “You’re the essence of what a writer is. I see nothing but blue skies and green lights for you. You’ve demonstrated mastery in terms of manifestation.”
“What?” I asked, struggling to take this in. “Look at what you’ve accomplished this year—you’ve clearly demonstrated an ability to manifest your heart’s desires and make your dreams come true.” My gremlins squirmed, and then muttered that my good fortune had all been a stroke of luck that couldn’t possibly last. But my Wise Self knew better. Deep down I understood that what I’d created had nothing to do with luck, that my external gains were a result of inner growth. This growth came from activities such as meditation, journal writing, affirmations, inspirational reading, and other soul-nurturing practices, including Living Visions. Living Visions are tools to help people manifest what they want in their lives. I was introduced to this technique at the University of Santa Monica and have used it for over five years. This simple but powerful exercise helped me write my poetry book, design my website, plan, pitch, and implement my Scripps College residency, start this blog, and complete my Raw Years book proposal. It has also helped me expand my writing classes, which have tripled in size over the past two years, and build a thriving coaching practice. Here’s how Living Visions work: Think of something you want. Now imagine whatever you want is unfolding exactly the way you’d like it to. Write somebody you love a letter. Make sure this person is someone who believes in you and in your dreams. Someone who genuinely wants the best for you. Tell them what’s happening. Talk best-case scenarios. You are getting exactly what you want. Describe your joyful situation in the present tense with as much detail as possible. Make it at least 50 percent believable, but also really stretch into it. Explore what you want. Be specific. When you’re done, cut the salutation (dear so-and-so) and put this statement at the beginning and end of what you’ve written: “This or something better for the highest good of all concerned.” I write this because I realize I’m not God and cannot see the big picture of my life. Perhaps the Universe has something different—or even larger—in mind for me. I don’t want to limit myself in terms of what I manifest. Also, these words remind me to trust my spiritual source. Knowing I am not alone—that I’m co-creating with a divine partner—empowers me. It also takes the pressure off. I do my part and Spirit does its part. You may be, as I once was, skeptical of this process. But try it and you’ll see more of what you want (and less of what you don’t want) show up in your life. This is a co-creative process and it’s fun, especially if you enjoy writing. Here’s a Living Vision I wrote recently as an example. This Living Vision has to do with my book proposal, The Raw Years: A Midlife Healing Memoir, which, as I mentioned, is being read by agents right now. This vision is more than 50 percent believable. Writing this not only helped me clarify what I want, but when I read it I feel as though I already have it. These feelings are magnetic attractors. My living vision is a prayer, a wish, and a genuine declaration to the universe about what I want and how I’d like to see it unfold--if it’s for the highest good of all concerned. *** Living Vision: Agent THIS OR SOMETHING BETTER FOR THE HIGHEST GOOD OF ALL CONCERNED My agent is impressed with and excited by my proposal and envisions the book and its success clearly. She calls me to offer representation, and we hit it off. We both have strong, positive vibes. My agent has great ideas about where to send the proposal. She is also a good listener, and values my suggestions. My agent is connected with the perfect publishing people, has great relationships with the right editors, and realizes that the timing for this project couldn’t be better. Her enthusiasm for my books is infectious. She negotiates a fast and fabulous deal. My agent is a savvy businesswoman, but is also warm and charming. She is the perfect representative of my work and of me. She resonates with my writing and helps me stretch beyond what I think possible. She maps out new avenues for career expansion and assists me in unexpected ways; she helps me get writing assignments for magazines, points out teaching opportunities, and hooks me up with a terrific publicist. She goes above and beyond the call of duty. My agent thinks about the big picture of my writing and my career. She’s one of my biggest advocates and cheerleaders. She’s loyal, dedicated, responsible, and trustworthy. She represents me with knowledge, grace, and heart, and speaks truth with kindness. My agent is a wonderful advisor, career guide, and friend. We respect and admire each other and work well together. THIS OR SOMETHING BETTER FOR THE HIGHEST GOOD OF ALL CONCERNED *** What are you longing for? What are you creating? Even if you don’t write a Living Vision, writing about your dreams will bring them into focus, and if you act upon them, little-by-little and one step at a time, chances are good you’ll make your dreams come true. If not, at least you’ll know you’ve tried. And trying is all any of us can do. Trying is within our control. The rest—the part to which we must surrender—is mysterious and divine. I’d love to hear your thoughts on manifesting what you want and making your dreams come true. And of course, I’d be happy to answer any questions you might have. Last week I was nervous about a talk I had to give. The morning of the talk I woke up with a stomachache. Halfway through my early morning meditation it occurred to me that my worry and anxiety over the talk meant I was identifying with my ego, not my Spirit. As soon as this awareness kicked in, my stomachache went away. I held my hand over my belly, the emotional center of our bodies, but also the place from which we make decisions, and summoned Spirit. What one thing do you want me to do today? I asked. I figured Spirit was going to say give a great talk. But instead, one word came: Connect.
In order for me to connect with others I knew I had to first connect with myself. Not my ego self, which is like a fearful child who needs attention and worries about measuring up. No, I needed to connect with my Spirit self, which is like a wise grandparent who is never in a hurry. My Spirit is gentle, loving, kind and knows exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. Spirit had helped arrange this talk. Spirit knew I was giving it to connect with others, for their good and also for my own. Everything was perfect. In her book, The Answer is Simple . . . Love Yourself, Live Your Spirit! Sonia Choquette talks about identifying with and living from one’s Spirit versus ego. She says it’s easy to tell which is which. If you’re feeling tense, afraid, nervous, anxious, pressured, or urgent, you’re identified with your ego. If you’re feeling loving, calm, peaceful, and relaxed, you’re identified with Spirit. Our feelings will always let us know which master we’re following—ego or Spirit. But if you’re like me, you know it can sometimes be difficult to know what you’re feeling. It’s not uncommon for me to move through a busy day successfully completing one task after another, while unaware of what’s taking place inside my mind and body. Many days I’m uptight and anxious without realizing it. This is why I meditate: to cultivate awareness, slow down, practice compassion, and connect with Spirit. When I start my day this way there’s a decent chance I’ll remember to check in with Spirit throughout the day. When I don’t, my pace is fast and I’m scattered and unaware. Ego loves this. Ego shows up in cowboy boots, shouts, “Yee haw,” and throws its lasso my way, rounding up all my chaos—and I’m caught in its lariat—until I realize I’m not a helpless calf, but a divine being, and it’s up to me to remember. Again and again. Gremlins are inner voices that say things like you’re no good or you’re not good enough. They are expert saboteurs and make themselves heard whenever you’re ready to grow, expand, or try something new. Gremlins are preservers of the status quo. They hate change and will do whatever necessary to prevent it. They may be liars, exaggerators, or temper-tantrum throwers—and they will do or say anything to ignite your fear and get you to back down from whatever risk you’re taking, or want to take.
You may not realize your gremlins are manipulating you. I didn’t. For years I didn’t even know I had gremlins. I was unaware of their voices as entities separate from me, as other people’s voices I’d internalized. Instead, I identified with them. I believed my gremlins when they told me I wasn’t good enough, had no talent, and would never fulfill my dreams. Still, I soldiered on because Souls are not easily crushed and mine—like most—was on a mission. I knew what I had to do, but I expressed myself as though I’d been shot in the foot. I hobbled for years while I longed to fly. After half-a-century of seeking, studying, and creating, I am finally soaring. I awaken each day before the sun rises and can’t wait to get out of bed and work. It’s not that my gremlins are gone, but I’ve figured out how to live with them. Most of the time. A couple weeks ago they crept up on me while listening to a critique of a chapter I’m writing for my memoir, The Raw Years. I’d naively thought the chapter, after one revision, was finished. As I listened to what the chapter needed, but didn’t yet have, my gremlins grumbled: You’re not a real writer, you’ll never be good enough, why are you wasting your time, this sucks--you suck! The attack reduced me to tears, and for an hour I felt wounded—until I pulled out my computer journal and let my gremlins rant openly on my laptop screen. Here’s a synopsized glimpse of their tirade: Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for being so stupid? You should know better, be better and do better. If you can’t blow everybody away with how great you are, why try? Mediocrity is repulsive. You are repulsive. Better stop trying. The blog is crap. The book proposal won’t sell. If you write about your family they’ll disown you—and they’re all you’ve got since you have no friends. At one point I laughed out loud at how ridiculous these statements were. I’d never speak to anyone this way—least of all people I hoped to nurture, teach, support, or inspire. Still, I knew my gremlins needed more airtime, as well as compassion, so I initiated an acknowledging conversation with them. Here’s a clip edited for brevity: Bella: I love and respect you and I’m grateful to you because I know you’re trying to help me. Gremlin: That’s right. I’m trying to cover your back. You dream too much. Dreams are dangerous. They set you up for disappointment. Bella: I hear you and know this is scary for you, but dreams are also wonderful. I’m doing what I need to do and I feel supported on many levels by multiple guides—both physical and spiritual. Gremlin: You’re crazy and you suck. You’re not good enough. You have no friends. Bella: I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m just showing up and doing my part. Plenty people think they aren’t god enough—oops, that was a slip! I meant to say good enough, but god works just as well. God resides in all of us. So I don’t think it’s possible for anyone not to be good enough. Miracles happen all the time. Success occurs when preparation meets opportunity. I’ve spent thirty years preparing. Now I’m creating opportunities. If you want a different result you have to try something different, right? Besides, it’s okay if all my dreams don’t come true. I enjoy pursuing them. I understand your fear. It’s okay. I appreciate that you’re trying to protect me. This conversation with my gremlins was very supportive. It reminded me that they do have my best interest at heart, and mean well, but are—like overprotective parents—living in fear. It also helped to think of them as children who haven’t yet learned to control themselves, so they exaggerate, dramatize, and create much ado about nothing because they are afraid. Acknowledgment and reassurance is a more effective coping strategy than ignoring or banishing gremlins. It helps when I think of myself as a loving parent and treat them like I would my children—with love and compassion. It also helps when I ask for Spiritual assistance and trust that Divine Intelligence is working through me. This reassures me to heed my desires. Dreams are the stirrings of the soul. Julia Cameron says we are all in charge of taking steps, but we are not in charge of the outcome—which is up to gods (a term I use loosely), not gremlins. Want to read more about identifying and coping with gremlins? Check out Taming Your Gremlins: A Surprisingly Simple Method for Getting Out of Your Own Way, by Rick Carson. As always, I invite comments, observations, and musings. I have a recurring dream in which I’ve been on a long journey and it’s time to return home. I cannot fit all my clothes, souvenirs, toiletries and trinkets into my luggage and feel utterly weighed down by my possessions. Meanwhile, the clock is ticking and I’m going to miss my plane or train. I shouldn’t have brought all this stuff, I think. I’ve got seven sweaters where I only needed one!
In a recent variation of this dream terrorists were about to bomb my hotel, and while people evacuated the building I struggled to pack. As usual I’d brought too much. Not only couldn’t my stuff save me, it was holding me back, weighing me down, and in this case, jeopardizing not only my journey and my return home, but my life. This is the kind of dream that can launch me into major spring-cleaning any time of year. I ask, What do I have that I don’t use or need? What can I clear? What’s junk and what’s treasure? How do I create space around me so I can move freely? Do I really need those old Easter baskets I used ten years ago when my daughter was little and haven’t used since? How about those moving boxes from fourteen years ago? Or, as a friend asked recently, “Do I really need ten black T-shirts?” I tell my daughter, “When you let go of the old, you make room for the new—not only that but someone might actually use your old stuff.” But deeper opportunities abound in space clearing, which facilitates light travel through life. Clutter busting can be done mentally and spiritually as well as physically. As you move into the New Year, try asking, What’s holding me back? Is there something I could let go of that would help me travel lighter through my life? A tangible object? A person? A habit? A fear? A behavior pattern or belief? What have I been thinking? Are limiting thoughts lurking beneath the surface? Have I been eating heavy food ? Have I removed every thread of that old I’m-not-good-enough garment from my back? Where and how can I clear, sweep, or tidy my inner, as well as outer, landscapes? As you take down your Christmas tree and/or put away holiday decorations, consider what else you can clear, what you must store, and what you can give away. Why not begin your journey into the New Year with one light, easy-to-pack bag so you can glide through 2012 and experience all the thrills your life’s journey has to offer! Comments? Thoughts? Questions? Leave them here. I’d love to hear from you. Need more motivation, information, inspiration? Check out: Clutter Busting: Letting Go of What’s Holding You Back, by Brooks Palmer The Dobermans of my mind
must be called off and I am the only one who can do it-- quit walking into wind and craggy maws, surrender inane, toxic chatter, the arsenic of doubt. I must heed Rumi’s advice: sell my tongue and buy a thousand ears when Spirit steps near and begins to speak to the deep ear in my chest. Only my heart can receive this gift. Only my heart can save this day. I hope it remains open, lends me its muscle, and nestles me in its chambers, where cropped ears and barking do not exist, and my mind is a well-tended garden sprouting jasmine, birds of paradise and plums. |
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